Tuesday, December 9, 2008

African Satirist claims Obama is his relative

Obama is from Nebbi-Henry Sagara

I just learned last Wednesday morning that Barack Obama is a relative of mine. I swear I am not making this up; I am reliably informed by my grand-auntie that Barack is actually my relative. I have no reason to doubt this auntie because she has been around for sometime (her breast milk is powdered!), she always tells the truth….by accident, and she is not a historian, but history itself!

I always wondered why my pals told me that I look like Obama until the old woman sang to me that the Luo in Kenya are actually from West Nile; I know you doubt this but let me give you their history according to my grand-auntie.

About three millennia ago, a one Obama Nyo Mubarak (Barack’s great, great granny) happened to be a resident of Panyimur (my village). Due to drought in the area then, he decided to relocate to a place with greener pastures so that his goats would graze, and travelled through Pubungu, via Lake Kyoga to Kisumu, and settled in K’Ogelo, siring some kids with some local “birds”.

One of his kids later bore a one Hussein Obama (Father of Barack), who later migrated to Hawaii and later Chicago, and on his way there, he begot a son and named him Baraka Obama… (Baraka means luck and Okubama means to bump into) and this lucky son was supposed to bump into the White House.

In a nutshell, this humble man from Nebbi embarked on the longest journey in history, a journey that took 4 millennia from a humble village in Nebbi to the White House. Now I hear Kenyans are celebrating… Well, let them celebrate; I hear they know Obama’s history, but for me I know her-story (yes, my auntie’s story!).

Now that we all know that Obama is from Nebbi; let me take you through our cultural norms: You don’t cross the river without stepping on a goats… er…er balls. For that matter, I am donating a goat to be slaughtered on the steps of the White House before he gets in, and then after that, we can re-paint the house black! We are also going to rename Airforce One Abiba-One (Abiba is a kite in my language) and then we are going to start exporting angara and pedu to the American market, an AGOA of sorts.

The only thing we have to change from the Black House (formerly White House) is the Oval Office’ name; Bill Clinton exposed this office so everybody knows what happens there, so we call it the Cigar Room!

As of today, I consider myself an American citizen; I mean, when your relative is the American President, you automatically become an American.

You may call me McSaggy and call the Archbishop Owrombey Henry Lukeman! I am working on the accent bit and also trying to get the pronunciation for PENNISLYVANIA Avenue right. I know some Kenyan Luo are baying for my blood but wait, you can’t have everything, you have the Prime-Minister’s post already…What more do you want?

As for McCain, I think he should consider standing for President of Uganda… He’s a war hero, he knows how to attack his opponents on a personal level, he has a bald head, and he also has a vision. Typical candidate for Uganda’s Presidency come 2011! He only has to get citizenship and learn how to say ageende without an accent!